Tides. As it says on the tin. Take your pick(s) and then avoid them like the plague. The pious BBC crap, or whatever piffle the Whitehouse claims, or anything The Guardian blathers on are always good candidates. You can never go wrong with them. Oh, and the fucking Daily Mail, that goes without saying, innit.
Maison Shogg Presents. Time again for some frivolity, so here’s the latest alien fashion news. This autumn every discerning hexapod insectoid life-form in and around the Crab Nebula, who knows their Armani from a hole in the ground, will be wearing this fetching exoskeleton designed by those fashion demons, Rosie and BoomBoom of Maison Shogg. Made of clarified titanium (*) with a coating of sentient dilithium microgel, worked into the fabric in a brushed finish, it’s simple, stylishly, extremely comfortable, very strong and highly versatile. Inspired by ancient Japanese body armour and cut following the strictest principles laid down by Mademoiselle Coco Chanel, it combines macho chic with exquisite grace, so it will do nicely either for the Tripondian ambassador’s reception or in a pub brawl with a brace of Klingons on steroids. The Battle Hummingbirds helmet is made of reinforced Mexican silver. The Birds are detachable and, when fully operational, can be used for impromptu aerobatics, berserker eye-pecking sorties and as message carriers; at a pinch they’ll mix the Martinis. They also sing beautifully, of course. Their repertoire of old Spanish Republican songs and reworkings of Gilbert & Sullivan is second to none –they have just written a new version of the “Little List” from the Mikado that is most amusing and sure to offend practically everybody. (*) Yes, I know it sounds most unlikely, but Rosie assures me that there is such thing as clarified titanium, and if Rosie says so then that’s good enough for me. PS. The little proto-lizard on the left smokes Gauloises. Rosie sticks to Silk Cut in homage to that other supreme troublemaker and demon magnet extraordinaire, Mr. John Constantine of London Town (Jamie Delano canon).